Danger: Humans


This is a notice from the Interstellar Safety
Council. Your starship will soon enter an area of space
where humans have previously been found. We understand that there are rumours and myths
about this species. It’s true that humans are extremely dangerous, but we believe that
the best way to deal with them is to be aware of the facts. The human world, unlike all other known planets,
works on a principle they call Survival of the Fittest. For billions of years, from the
time life first appeared, their world has changed not by co-operation, but by brutal,
violent competition. Humans are powered by three things. First, humans grow, repair and fuel themselves
by consuming and digesting other life forms, including macroscopic life and, in many cases,
life forms capable of reaction and distress. Their intake point contains exoskeletal protrusions
designed to crush, tear and rip almost any organic material. Humans will not generally
consume other sentient life. Historically, though, they have not always been able to
identify sentient life as such in time to A human once ate a flying machine. Humans are symbiotic creatures. Around 2%
of their mass is made of organisms that aid their digestion, but many of which could kill
them if allowed to contact other parts of their internal structure. Humans, everything
that they produce, and everything on their planet, is covered in uncountable numbers
of these creatures, just one of which would be enough to catastrophically end life on
many of our worlds. Unlike most species, human sensory organs
are adapted for a wide variety of terrestrial environments. They can identify threats and
prey by detecting disruptions in the atmosphere, using some electromagnetic frequencies, and
using chemical detection. Astonishingly, they are immune to all but the strongest magnetic
fields and all known halting problem attacks. Humans have the ability to perform multiple
tasks at once. Their many parts can operate automatically without their central mind being
consciously aware of it. Most humans are able to concentrate on more than one complicated
task at the same time. As a result, they do not need to pause to think between actions
or to contemplate their next move in physical combat. Human recreation includes physical violence,
mental competition, deliberate disruption of their thought processes, and in some cases
deliberately placing themselves into potentially lethal situations. Humans do have weaknesses. The second thing that powers them is oxygen.
Not electricity, not light from their star. Oxygen. Highly flammable, highly corrosive,
oxygen. Without it, they are incapacitated They are, therefore, only capable of operating
in a limited number of terrestrial environments. They are also extremely susceptible to ionising
radiation, gravitational forces, and temperature changes. Their space travel thus requires
extensive, complicated, fragile life support arrangements. This is their weak point, and
the correct time to attack: once they land on an oxygen-bearing planet, it is theirs
and they will win. And they will win because their most startling
capability is one of self-delusion. The third thing that powers them is hope. Humans are
not a rational species. They do not have an intrinsic grasp of statistics or probabilities.
If they did, their history would be very different. They would have followed more sensible approaches
to space travel than putting their oxygenated bodies into pressurised metal boxes and throwing
themselves off their planet’s surface. Humans are irrational, messy, contradictory and sometimes
self-defeating. They act against each others’ interests, and compete viciously and brutally
for limited resources. Instead of acting as one, they form complicated tribes that fight
between each other. But humans also possess a high capacity for aspiration, kinship, compassion,
and a ridiculous tolerance of adversity. For this reason, they are extremely dangerous
and likely to take over a significant part of the galaxy in a very short time. Avoid if at all possible. [Translating this video? Add your name here if you’d like credit!]

100 Comments

  1. feefT said:

    we are not 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 bad
    wait

    August 26, 2019
    Reply
  2. Multorum Unum said:

    I like how you put the world map upside down just to mess with our perspective and show us the way aliens would view us

    August 26, 2019
    Reply
  3. wilecatrexy said:

    Sure we humans can seed the galaxy and beyond. Sounds like an adventure.

    August 27, 2019
    Reply
  4. BOT Noob_at_everything said:

    ISC retracts this message as obsolete due to human made computer systems. most particularly the locally known 'Earworm'
    Due to this recent discovery any vessel found within 5LY of the C56.E3F.15 will be quarantined.
    The ISC will not further elaborate on this statement.

    August 27, 2019
    Reply
  5. It'sR4yd said:

    "Humans do not need to pause to think between actions"

    Multi-Core Robots: Am I a joke to you?

    August 28, 2019
    Reply
  6. matt winward said:

    Thank you for explaining this for me Tom. I never knew how it was I got on with life, but it turns out it was nothing more than food, oxygen, and self-delusion. Truly an insightful find.

    August 28, 2019
    Reply
  7. Nocansee green said:

    Humans are space orks part 2

    August 28, 2019
    Reply
  8. CoopermanCam said:

    TLDR: mostly harmless

    August 28, 2019
    Reply
  9. Justin Helms said:

    Explains why humans dominate the Star Wars galaxy

    August 28, 2019
    Reply
  10. KvAT said:

    Lmao no, we did have quite a goof grasp of statistics and probability.
    The problem is, while you other extraterrestrial plebians plan your actions around them, our course of actions includes doing several extra steps which would directly shift those statistics and probabilities into our favour instead.

    August 29, 2019
    Reply
  11. Coda Mission said:

    Humans are space orcs

    August 30, 2019
    Reply
  12. White_Coffee said:

    inhales deeply

    Dude, it's all just part of the human experience.

    August 31, 2019
    Reply
  13. DasRandomMan said:

    Chill bruh

    September 1, 2019
    Reply
  14. Fred Fro said:

    THEY 911 whats ur emergency

    Me. Theirs a human here help im gonna die

    September 1, 2019
    Reply
  15. Your Daily Grapes said:

    I make daily grape videos for no reason

    September 1, 2019
    Reply
  16. Your Daily Grapes said:

    You forgot to say
    "They have the power to destroy there planet and the ones around them in a matter of hours if they wanted to"

    September 1, 2019
    Reply
  17. Grryt Gryyt said:

    Two things. 1. This is why aliens don't try to contact us. 2. We are rationally irrational as well as irrationally rational.

    September 1, 2019
    Reply
  18. Kazmark_gl said:

    so this is what Douglass Adams meant when the HGttG told us humans were "mostly" harmless

    September 2, 2019
    Reply
  19. Gerber Jenkinson said:

    Ok so how would a creature evolve if it didn't use survival of the fittest. Like I know this is just a thought experiment but this is something I've been thinking about for a while.

    September 3, 2019
    Reply
  20. ZACHARY FRENCH said:

    how the hell are we supposed to get off this planet if not in a pressurized metal box?

    September 3, 2019
    Reply
  21. Jelle Brandt said:

    I’m human, can relate

    September 3, 2019
    Reply
  22. Thomas Anjema said:

    This makes me feel strong not gonna lie

    September 3, 2019
    Reply
  23. Mrfantastic XX said:

    As the Great Gary King once said:
    'This civilization was founded on f*ck ups and you know what? That makes me proud.'

    September 3, 2019
    Reply
  24. TWB said:

    Nah, they're mostly harmless.

    September 3, 2019
    Reply
  25. RektGG said:

    Are the statements in this instructional video meant to be taken as an insult, a neutral fact or a compliment? I will accept any answer

    September 3, 2019
    Reply
  26. Hel ved said:

    aliens found us in ancient Egypt times, then left us cause we're a lethal u n i t.

    September 3, 2019
    Reply
  27. BoraCM 39 said:

    Humans cooperate a lot more than other species. Either most other life forms, it is survival of the fittest, but not with humans.

    September 3, 2019
    Reply
  28. Will Herondale said:

    Whatever happened to "mostly harmless"?

    September 3, 2019
    Reply
  29. Michael O'Donoghue said:

    I prefer the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy entry on Humans

    September 4, 2019
    Reply
  30. sirdeakia said:

    EMERGENCY DISCLAIMER:
    During malfunction, vessel [email protected]÷√ from the grasnmani conglomerate has crash landed in the human homeworld. More then half of the crew died upon impact, and the survivors have fled beneath human supervision. Reports say the humans have dissected live crewmembers piercing through their exobioshell with ease, and exposing the wearers to immediate oxidation by the atmosphere. Survivors have reported as unable to reattain starfaring capabilities and are therefore stuck in the human homeworld. The interstellar council of ethics has deemed illegal to attempt rescue.

    September 4, 2019
    Reply
  31. R. S. said:

    thanks tom now I will never get to go alien hunting because you warned them

    September 4, 2019
    Reply
  32. J K said:

    r/HFY Go Deathworlders

    September 5, 2019
    Reply
  33. Jason North said:

    Interesting take on the fermi paradox, and also a good way of telling, very good job

    September 5, 2019
    Reply
  34. Carlos Eduardo Pessotto said:

    One of the best imho!

    September 5, 2019
    Reply
  35. First Name Last Name said:

    We could be massively overestimating how dangerous we are

    Which would be very bad in the very very long run

    September 5, 2019
    Reply
  36. schmebalydook said:

    I'm getting an SCP-3003 vibe from this

    September 5, 2019
    Reply
  37. ncsr11 said:

    Hitchhiker's Guide ttG.

    September 5, 2019
    Reply
  38. Lewis Johnson said:

    Those third molars on the left side aren’t going to fit, and one looks like it’ll be bony impacted :/

    September 6, 2019
    Reply
  39. Blyskawica1 said:

    'mostly harmless'

    September 7, 2019
    Reply
  40. Andrew Bises said:

    No wonder i was sent here on a mossion to find intelligent life after those critical posts on the high cancelor

    September 7, 2019
    Reply
  41. Toto Ze said:

    I knew Tom Scott was an alien

    September 7, 2019
    Reply
  42. deet0109 said:

    “…designed to rip up and destroy any organic material.”

    Me, munching on broccoli: neat

    September 7, 2019
    Reply
  43. ShottyGames said:

    So irrational, that they even make videos from "aliens" perspective

    September 7, 2019
    Reply
  44. banna and eggs said:

    If we did have ftl travel and meet aliens we should talk about our God and savior the emperor if they do not want to except him we should destroy them

    September 8, 2019
    Reply
  45. Marie Lastname said:

    "They can manipulate objects with incredible speed and precision by simply willing their body to do so." Moving my foot to tip over a box never felt as much like a super power to me than it does right now.

    September 8, 2019
    Reply
  46. P Nut said:

    Can’t wait to destroy the universe

    September 11, 2019
    Reply
  47. Trestan Ray said:

    We're kinda spooky.

    September 12, 2019
    Reply
  48. Blockling News said:

    Hello, this is spaceship J5PY. We have tried an approach but they were not happy. We are currently waiting for instructions as microorganisms are starting to take over our ship. Avoid humans at all cost.

    September 13, 2019
    Reply
  49. Balto Farlander said:

    It's very improbable for other form of lifes to be not based on natural selection. It is even probable that many of them are far more aggresive than humans, and viewing compassion or love as a symptoms of weakness. There could be less aggressive species, too, but much less.

    September 13, 2019
    Reply
  50. Cogman Inc. said:

    This video lists off so many things that are basic to any intelligent lifeform like they're insanely anomalous, like seeing and hearing… How would the aliens that would make this video function at all?

    September 14, 2019
    Reply
  51. Dr Bright said:

    Never before would I have thought that I would be both ashamed and proud of my species at the same time.

    September 14, 2019
    Reply
  52. Rushika Prasad said:

    All that space travel and you still can’t afford a good microphone?

    September 14, 2019
    Reply
  53. Antonio Diego said:

    Welp, this just made me want to go play the Mass Effect games again for like the 7th time…

    September 15, 2019
    Reply
  54. Mtu4554 said:

    A now we now why we didn't meet aliens

    September 15, 2019
    Reply
  55. Neolexious Neolexian said:

    Low-key disappointed that Tom's alien-looking map is just an upside-down normal one.

    Like, you could have stuck with the cylindrical projection but aligned it to the solar ecliptic or something.

    September 17, 2019
    Reply
  56. Neolexious Neolexian said:

    So like, someone should do something about that, right?

    September 17, 2019
    Reply
  57. Ohio said:

    At least we found superearth

    September 18, 2019
    Reply
  58. target03 said:

    that's not really what survival of the fittest means/how evolution works. i do very much like this "humans are space australians" trend though

    September 20, 2019
    Reply
  59. Dionius said:

    This is not even mentioning the combat drug they produce within their own body, adrenaline, a drug banned in the rest of the intergalactic community for its mind-altering properties, which heightens their reflexes and response times when they sense danger. Truly a terrifying species.

    September 20, 2019
    Reply
  60. tommy karrick said:

    This video makes me feel excited to be human

    September 21, 2019
    Reply
  61. Napo G59 said:

    "Seems my superiority has caused some controversy"

    September 21, 2019
    Reply
  62. Un Perrier said:

    The best way to deal with them is just to ignore them, they're insignificant and stuck on their beloved decrepit blue planet.

    September 21, 2019
    Reply
  63. J said:

    Aww crap I was gonna visit earth

    September 22, 2019
    Reply
  64. badman jones said:

    "antimemetic devices" dude i knew this fucker was into scp

    September 23, 2019
    Reply
  65. wolfjemidas said:

    i guess most civilizations have to work in the principle of survival of the fittest, because otherwise there is no adaptation and hence no progression in evolution.

    September 25, 2019
    Reply
  66. FOUR1EiGHT said:

    This video takes "dihydrogen monoxide" to the next level.

    September 27, 2019
    Reply
  67. Alexander Campagna said:

    This feels like an SCP

    September 27, 2019
    Reply
  68. PeePeePooPoo said:

    HUMAIN UNION DETECTED UFO VIDEO
    __YOU WILL BE CAPTURED ON SIGHT
    __WE WILL [REDACTED]
    __
    __
    __GLORY TO HUMAN UNION

    September 28, 2019
    Reply
  69. E Bragg said:

    Smell it.

    September 29, 2019
    Reply
  70. Snax Mang said:

    Seeing the world upside down made me uncomfortable.

    September 30, 2019
    Reply
  71. Sheehyheshe said:

    "Yep, we're all kinds of stubborn."

    October 1, 2019
    Reply
  72. Tacticslion said:

    Five years later, and this is still new and refreshing every time. Thank you for this.

    October 2, 2019
    Reply
  73. gug brogle said:

    “Uncountable”

    *displays number*

    October 2, 2019
    Reply
  74. Lord man said:

    3:29 Chuckles

    October 2, 2019
    Reply
  75. x.p.t.ő said:

    You mans

    October 2, 2019
    Reply
  76. Picklejho 69 said:

    Reminds me of a short post in a board online somewhere postulating what a vegetable based sentient life form might react to humans like. It was so much like this, it was one of the greatest things I ever read.

    October 3, 2019
    Reply
  77. Piano Fry said:

    Tom Scott will be arrested as a traitor when the aliens come.

    October 4, 2019
    Reply
  78. Gaming Soundtracks Central said:

    'A significant portion of the galaxy!' Love it!

    October 8, 2019
    Reply
  79. Anthon said:

    You should work for the The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and modify the guide.
    "earth mostly harmless".

    October 9, 2019
    Reply
  80. MsDangerousBeans said:

    Claims of humans possessing positive values such as aspiration and kinship are merely pro human propaganda. Any such behaviour observed is just researchers failing to properly take human irrationally into account.

    October 10, 2019
    Reply
  81. Mátyás Vitos said:

    Danger: Noodle

    October 10, 2019
    Reply
  82. José Barría said:

    Humans often prefer to sit in their shelters and write comments in YouTube videos

    October 10, 2019
    Reply
  83. Alex Tiller said:

    Even though their space travel technology is vastly inferior, their military technology is vastly superior to ours. Imagine the damage that could be caused if they contacted and payed the spacing guild to transport one of their armies to one of our worlds. I don't think we could held them off with just our light halberds and didn't we prove that their so-called "guns" could penetrate most of our armor?

    October 13, 2019
    Reply
  84. Exhausted Elox said:

    Please note: there are fauna species that are more deadly as a singular representative than a singular human. Outside of the ocean based cephalopod species, these fauna are not capable of extra terrestrial flight, however.

    October 14, 2019
    Reply
  85. mad ass said:

    Then there's Housoes.

    October 19, 2019
    Reply
  86. Toke Bro said:

    0:58 cracked me up

    October 22, 2019
    Reply
  87. Minute Repeater said:

    Coudlnt agree more this video, this mankind has been a cesspool of corruption, war, hate, poverty, desease and whole slew other bad things for thousands of years.

    October 29, 2019
    Reply
  88. The Lonewolf said:

    I hate humans anyway. i wish our species will die out!

    October 30, 2019
    Reply
  89. Tim Peter said:

    Oxygen isn't flammable

    October 30, 2019
    Reply
  90. Seltaeb said:

    This video is a massive mood

    November 3, 2019
    Reply
  91. Danny BRITZMAN said:

    I feel terrible but also absolutely POWERFUL.

    What is this. KONO POWA

    November 3, 2019
    Reply
  92. OneHDGamer YT said:

    Time to take over the universe

    November 3, 2019
    Reply
  93. Oasis Flurry said:

    This implies that there are multiple humans across the galaxy.

    November 6, 2019
    Reply
  94. mark shepherd said:

    😲

    November 7, 2019
    Reply
  95. ALINE GHAFARI said:

    for me I think godes bad peoples shouldn't be exist on earth because they create peoples bad to kill and alins bad shouldn't be exist on earth because they create aliens bad to kill for me I think it should be only surviving the godes goodes peoples and if there is aliens good ok

    November 15, 2019
    Reply
  96. The ThrAsian said:

    Thats just called freedom and we all love it ✌🏿

    November 17, 2019
    Reply
  97. Years of Internet safety lessons said:

    Can you imagine the poor alien tourist who lets humans get ahold of their spacecraft?

    November 17, 2019
    Reply
  98. SeDevri said:

    i always love these things

    November 19, 2019
    Reply
  99. Montather Aati said:

    We are disgusting

    November 25, 2019
    Reply
  100. Hotpies said:

    Guys help me I am a carbon based lifeform filled with oxygen and water

    November 27, 2019
    Reply

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